broken heart shattered into pieces

i am nepali normal guy aged 21
now in US

working in gas station, i hate it. though i have to do it. i can say i am forced to do it. i have been here in US less than 1 and half year but i hate it, but i want to stay here, i don't know, whats the chemical between hate and wanting ? want to stay in US, i don't think its desire i think its want.

i have my parents back in Nepal, a small family. i had a dream once before landing to US frm that united airlines. i had a dream. i will study hard, earn money, send back some earning back home though my dad do not have financial hardship back in nepal, to make him even more richer !!!!!!!!!!

had a dream ! i spoiled it. now i am not going to college. i work in gas station 7 $ hour. don't know when kale gonna shot me. pakistani gives me order to fill the cooler and ice bag, tells me to be in time. owner pays me hardly 1500$ monthly. 500$ rent of apartment. shit ! never thought abt it. had a dream!

i am fuc*ked up, i am getting more mad day by day, thinking nothing more than shit. i used to think i am lucky, hell luck where am i now ? ringing the price of gatorade, marlboro lights, newport, cigarillos, rolling blunts, hell

taking money frm cash registers, it sucks but i have to. how am i gonna survive here without extra money frm cash register of that pakistani. ohhhhhh now pakistani gets some smells abt my dids. he can't call cops, cause i am working illegally and he hired me illegally. so, paki says to me that he wants me to send to his another frens store and now i am here waiting for one single customer from 6 AM in the morning, and now its 9 15 AM, there is not a single soul i get entering the store. I m waiting, waiting for my dream! i said i had a dream !

i am not getting pessimistic here, though i am not that optimistic. i am not going to loose this battle. if i loose this battle i know i am living dead. i am like tiger who knows when, where and how to attack and what to attack ?

i m making myself ready for that, i ain't gonna loose . i am going to win.
my life the way i am walking now, i don't know and i haven't seen the end, my life where it goes, how it gonna ..... ohhhhh my thoughts

now after go back to apartment watch TV make rice and chicken have it. smoke some pot than watch history channel sometime CNN go to bed. again morning go to work.

same routine everyday. i am waiting here for my dream everyday. i am content for now what i have ? but i ain't content for my whole life. something exciting, something suspense, something thrilling, u know in like movies. i watch movies a lot. I have seen "indecent proposal" ohhhhhhhh its awesome. if u haven't seen it just take a look at it, only after smoking some green, then u will know the real taste of that movie. i din't cry after i watch that movie but u might cry.

i am waiting here for my dream, a dream which i have always dreamed. i am a dreamer !

i have red rose in my hand, i am waiting to give it to someone, i am supposed to give it to someone but i don't know who she/he is. i waited for a long time, now i am worried that rose gonna dry up. i am worried.

i had a dream.

"i am content for now what i have ? but i ain't content for my whole life."

So who is really ontent with what they've got? Think, the people on sajha do? Every single person in this earth are sad, some show it off and some pretend to be different and make it private. Imagine, the kids and families in poverty and imagine Nepalis right now (not all) and think of yourself, you and them have a big difference and you're the lucky one. People will just so sad... yes I know how you feel but if you work hard and do what you're supposed to, you sure will be content.

uff so many typos! sorry ive been so weak at this lately!

Anyways thopa, your problem is like any other person in this world. But you know why the happy people dont feel sad because they enjo their lives and you have to too. every single person is sad. even I GET SO MAD AND SAD AT TIMES!

Thopa,
I am sure there are a lot of people who can relate to your story. The key thing here is , you seem to have realize that this is not what you want out of your life.. my advise like I would give to my younger brother would be to go back to school, finish the frist 2 years in a comm. college and then apply for a scholorship in a 4 yr univ. take one thing at a time and you will be well on your way to success...you seem to be smart and intelligent. Remember you and only you are responsible to facilitate smooth functioning of your life.
Good Luck and be happy !
:-))

I will have to agree with guzmoon,

If you run away from your problems (like going to a different country) you will end up running for the rest of your life. Sometimes things are not meant to be easy. I think you have one major thing under your belt. You seem to have a very good understanding of your present situation and more importantly you don't want this.
My suggestion to you is, channel that "hate." Channel that into that energy that's gonna bring you out of this. I am sure there are people who have seen the light after the tunnel. May be talk to them. I think you are in a vulnerable stage. It is very important to choose the right kind of friends at this juncture of life. After you know you have a game plan and if it makes sense to yo, Stick with it!!! Think of it as its your one last chance and there's should be no other way than victory.
You will be writing a victory story in this very chat room one day. I will be looking forward to reading that. If you need any help, you can email me through this website. I will do what I can.
Cheers,

BV

how can someone help on internet? If you really feel sad, you should go see your family doctor :) Thats what I do when IM sad and really lonely.

I read most of the threads... few of them suggested that u cut down on trees... i say "Hell NO" to that.. cause that maybe ur best buddy rite now... aint notthin wrong with that... just don't go beyond that... you couldn't go to skool.. ain't notthin wrong with that either... u can still do that .... you should know how...

yeah screw that idea about goin somewhere else..... that will be a sorry ass move .... u said u smoke and ur worried about ur dreams... no way they can go together.. maybe u haven't been smoking as much..... try smoking a lil more than how much ur smoking lately.. that'll help a lot.

still..

stillReturns -one thing that i don't understand and i don't think i'll ever be able to understand is : why the hell do people smoke when they know that smoking kills ke??

stillReturns - if you can't think of anythingelse to say don't say stuff to people who are in such conditions as this, that they should smoke more ke! what do you think this a big joke or something or do you enjoy giving such advice to people ke?? ufffff! :@ :@
take care of yourself first before you try to help others ni.

and a start would be to quit smoking ke! :) :)

thopa - going to a different is not a bad idea if your life could improve there than how it is right now ke! ufffff, don't listen to these people who have it all here ke!

oopps typo ke
different country*

cool

thopa - here are some quotes to help you out ke! :) :)

It is diffcult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow. - Robert H. Goddard

Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great. - Orison Swett Marsden

Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises. - Demosthenes

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you. - Frank Tyger

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. - William Ernest Henley

:) :) :)

Patience! Patience!

yes yes, does sound like a cliche. Good things in life take time. That's all i have learnt when you are sucked in by the quick sand of US of A

"the quick sand of US of A" so true oys !

well not eveyones as smart as u are nails.. smoking doesn't kill FYI.. Dude says he smokes so let him smoke... if it was such a bad idea why would they allow smoking weed in amsterdam?
and those words of wisdoms... it doesn't work if u dont' apply... its there, just to make u feel good.
QUICK SAND OF US OF A is very true indeed!!!
Only a Rastafa_Rai would understand how true my words were.. you don't smoke, you won't get it... its all good nails.. keep doin what ur doin and i mah' mind my own business... thank you ma'am!! Thats all i have to say.

stillReturns - answer this question ke?? why do people smoke when they know that smoking kills???
as in why do you smoke when you know it's gonna kill you ke? :S :S

Oh nails bhauju
why did your mom give birth you when she knows one day you will die.
hahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I feel sorry for Thopa's situation here, but what surprised me is that Nobody have problem with him stealing money and smoking pots. Is it acceptable to us Nepalis to steal from someone else if you are in need and is it ok to smoke pot if you have frustrations? Find me one person who do not have worries. Everyone has one. All I can say to thopa is that may be you need to reconsider your life style and work harder and honestly, you will get your dream, and if not atleast you can live with clear conscience.