Visiting to Nepal again soon. Travelling long distance  by plane itself is a hassle. On top of that, travelling alone  adds more anxiety to it. On a corner of my nostalgic mind I sing "home sweet home", while  my conscious self says to me- "don't do it fool, (especially if you are visiting Nepal)". For strictly family purposes I want to visit Nepal and fix some family issues, that are long due. Other than that, what more excitement, experience and blessing can it add to what I already have from growing up there?

I spent about eight long years before going back to Nepal and guess what, the day I landed, there was transportation strike., "Nepal Bandh". Already sleepless for more than 38 hours, I waited in a flies stricken tea shop for hours, hoping that some dumbass politician will call the strike off soon. It smelled like petrol everywhere in and around the airport. The rudeness with which people talk was typical. When I mentioned it to my uncle, he thought I was degrading my motherland and making fun of it. He reminded me that living in a first world country for few years, does not put in any position to bash the situation of Nepal. I told him- just being born here makes give me the birth right to complain or praise or talk about anything. Eyes rolling and frustrated glares...

"You have 'changed". So they say. Change carries a lot of negative connotation in Nepal. We are not supposed to change- anything, including our clothes, culture, superstitions, language, social talks, philosophy. Nothing. Nepal is resistant to change. People don't like any change, that is why the country is so slow. Same mindsets, same rulers of the country, same false pride of nationality etc. My 'changing', however, is partially true. It is not that I lived in US for few years that change me into something else. Man is a social animal and one thing it can do better than other animals is -grow. Growing in knowledge and experience. Although, I can't proclaim that I am transformed as a transcendental wise man, all the struggle, experiences and my life in US has made me a slightly different person than what I was a decade ago. Freedom, opportunity, and hope are some of the best things I have got in US. But it is not that I have transformed or changed, in that sense, I had simply forgotten the mundane, unimpressive and unnecessary(sometimes negative) things of Nepal during my hectic life in US.

I had forgotten how rude a shopkeeper can be. I had forgotten how worthless the government offices are. I had forgotten how a 'khalashi' in public bus verbally and sexually abuses our sisters and mothers. I had forgotten how people stared at me from the time they see me a mile away and keep glaring at me until I disappear from his sight. I forgot how much time Nepalese got in their disposal. They just sit in the roadside tea shop, talking nonsense, and judging people who pass by. Every day, they analyze, criticize and observe people like a monkey seeing banana for the first time. It is useless and unhelpful for them to grow. That is why people in Nepal can't transform from their dogmas and can't get out of the cycle of  irresponsible time wasting. They are far too more concerned about the other people than themselves. And I am really tired of it. Whenever I am in Nepal, I can't pretend to like all that nonsense. I get afraid and anxious. I have had enough already. I have better things to do.

I am an honest man. I have not cared to be politically correct anywhere. I can tell black-black and white-white. Therefore, Nepal is not the best place for me to live for now. I am a potential target there for being called stubborn, traitor, and a mean loud mouth who talks against his own people. I have so many times said- I do not believe in nationality for the sake of it or jut because I was born in Nepal, I don't believe I have a obligatory duty towards it. I love Nepal and Nepalese in the core, not their stupidity. My nationality was purely an accident by birth. Due to political and social needs, people make cities, states, countries and so on. I accept that and have to gain passport and visa to travel somewhere else. If not for that, I consider myself a "earth dweller of my time".

Although I would love to have less conflicts with Nepal loving, change hating, trash talking, tea shop occupying pseudo-intellectuals, I am, more than ever, brave to take my unpopular positions and survive there when I visit Nepal. I want to live boldly, courageously and honestly as much as I can- wherever I go.

Nov 11, 2013

Irving, Texas